IGOR SHPRITZ
JOSEPH THE BEAUTIFUL
TRANSLATED BY A.RAGOZYN
THE CAST:
ADAM
LILIT
EMPEROR
JOSEPH
STALIN
KOBA
SOSO
AMOUR
The First Act
Inside the whole space of the stage there is one more - the interior volume of huge parallelepiped without windows, something like a big chamber with one butt-end facing the auditorium.
There're two doors in every side-wall leading to the side cells. The interior of the cells is clear, but not completely, so the real sizes (of cells) might be really big. In the far corner the whole space is punched up from top to bottom by the part of The Pump of great diameter. After some examination everyone could realize that is The Drain Pump. There is a hatch, rather big one, on The Pump's side as it is supposed to be.
Slightly illuminated stage is empty. The Pump-hatch opens soundless and... the naked Joseph's body slips down out of it. He is unconscious and lays on the stage without any signs of life. Then he starts to move a little. Adam dressed in a night-shirt appears from his cell, passes lying Joseph with some disgust and knocks at Lilit's cell.
Voice of Lilit. I am alone!
Adam enters into Lilit's cell. Silence. The Emperor appears out of his cell, dressed in a night-shirt and a night-cap. He comes to Adam's cell doors and knocks. Silence. The Emperor moves to Lilit's cell, but on a way to it, stops, squats near Joseph and examines his face. Then Emperor knocks at Lilit's cell.
Voice of Lilit. I am not alone!
The Emperor waits, walking around the hall. Some time later Adam comes out of Lilit's cell.
Adam. Good morning!
Emperor. Good morning! Was it good?
Adam. It's O.K. Thank you!
Emperor. Well,...(knocks at Lilit's door)
Voice of Lilit. I am alone!
Emperor enters. Adam comes to lying Joseph, examines him and goes away to his cell. Returns with a bowl of water, pours it onto Joseph, then goes away to his cell again. Joseph comes to, then stands up with difficulty. Seeing himself naked, Joseph covers his nudity with a biblical gesture. Emperor comes out of Lilit's cell.
Emperor. Good morning! (Joseph keeps silence) Good morning! (cries into Joseph's ear)
Joseph. Good morning.
Emperor, satisfied, goes to his cell. Joseph slowly walks around the hall. Naked Lilit, stretching comes out of her door. She notices Joseph, mimics his biblical pose and laughs.
Joseph. Good morning.
Lilit. Good morning, good man!
Joseph. Sorry, I am not dressed.
Lilit. Does it bother you? I'm also naked. There's nobody to be afraid of. We're alone. Stop turning around. It's vulgarity to show your ass to woman, you're not a monkey. Wow, he's stupid. (returns to her cell)
Emperor dressed for morning walk comes out. He slowly strolls around, then comes across Joseph.
Joseph. Good morning.
Emperor. We've greeted each other already, my friend. That's enough. And please - dress yourself up. There're no male flesh admirers here. It's improper to be nude among dressed ones. Either everybody is nude, either's dressed up. You're not in a public bath.
Joseph. Where am I?
Emperor. You are here.
Joseph. Here...! Well, but where...?
Emperor. Curiosity of the naked man is the man's naked curiosity! It's a joke. I want to tell you again - dress up! There's your unit, and everything you need is in it already. Go there, please. (continues his stroll)
Joseph. Is this place a monastery?
Emperor. Yes, it is.
Joseph goes into his cell. Emperor walks around. Lilit enters.
Lilit (kisses Emperor). Honey, you were great today. As great as the Great Emperor. Real Zeus turned himself into the bull.
Emperor. With horns. Old Bull-cock! Bull-cock-old! Still flattering me, kinky bitch. Can't live without teasing people.
Lilit. I am serious. I feel myself young and virgin in bed with you. I'm yours. (kisses Emperor) I'm yours forever. I want you to make me a baby.
Emperor. Good idea. In your age. You're kidding. You'll enjoy a little your pregnancy, then you'll make an abortion. I don't want to play this game. Let's walk a little and, please, stop talking.
Lilit. You don't love me, honey.
Adam enters and joins them.
Lilit. Adam, tell him he's wrong. He doesn't want to make me a baby. It's the most sorrowful thing a woman could get from the man of her love.
Adam. I'm sick of you both, sick like hell. But if you begin reproduction of yourselves, I'll be up to the neck! I'll kill your lousy baby even before delivery. That's for sure.
Lilit. You're a miserable jerk! Now I see, you want to use me as a piano you'll play your fucking gamma's with one finger! Fick-fock, fick-fock, fick-fock! Bastard!
Emperor. Leave him alone, he is nervous.
Lilit. A new one! Big deal! He's not the first.
Emperor. But, may be he's the last. Adam is nervous. He's waiting.
Adam. Shut it up, son of a bitch.
Emperor (to Adam). I've told you over and over stop being boorish! Hay, look, you'll get fuck'n troubles, I'd bet my boots! I'll teach you a good lesson.
Adam. What, what are you talking about! You wann'a give me troubles! Come on, sucker!
Lilit. Oh, guys, stop it! The same shit every day again and again! Just shame on you, guys! What our guest could think about it!
Everybody stops near Joseph's cell.
Lilit. Hay, Man! Where're you? We're waiting for you! Don't be such a sorehead, you've nothing to be afraid of! Hello...!
Joseph appears out of his cell. He's dressed modestly - white shirt, black pants, legs're clad in soft boots. Generally, his face isn't shaved well.
Lilit. Well, how are you doing, dear! (hugs and kisses Joseph)
Emperor. What's your name?
Joseph is silent.
Adam. What's your name?
Lilit. Don't be afraid, tell us your name.
Joseph. Do you really need to know my name?
Emperor. Actually, not very much!
Adam. It's convenient and nobody needs to screw up his mind.
Emperor. Don't threaten the guy. He might think we're really going to screw his mind up. We do so just rarely, in extreme situations.
Lilit. We'll give you a nickname, if you won't tell us your real one. It may be a teasing nickname. Well, I think your nickname would be ...(goes around Joseph, carefully examining him). Hay, look, he has his left arm withered! Withered-arm! Withered-arm! I've noticed first! (Joseph slaps Lilit in the face) Oh, no! No, not me, why me...! (grabs Emperor's hands, begins crying)
Adam. Wow, that's it! Oh, Goth, he began it himself! (begins to beat Joseph masterly) Bastard! Fuck'en bastard! Nobody!...Wants...! Insult you! Just ask..! Your name! Too arrogant! Too arrogant... sucker! (Adam grabs Joseph's hair throws him down and sits on his body)
Lilit. Adam, please, stop beating him so cruelly! Don't break his teeth!
Emperor kicks Joseph with his foot.
Emperor. Bastard! Fuck'n jerk! Slap a woman in the face!
Lilit squats near Joseph and watches him.
Adam. Name! Your name, sucker! Your name or I'll kill you!
Joseph (moans). Joseph... (the mighty whisper from the background repeats "Joseph")
Lilit. Joseph! What a beautiful name, Joseph! We haven't had any Joseph for a long time. What's better - Joseph The Withered Arm or Wither-armed Joseph? (touches Joseph's body all over with her hand) Thanks to God, his main part isn't withered.
Emperor. The teeth are also O.K.
Adam. Better watch it, he may bite you. (gets out from Joseph, helps him to stand up). Stand up, Joseph. Welcome to our monastery! My name is Adam. Sorry for being rough! I would keep myself cool, if you didn't slap her. But actually, you are right. (slaps Lilit in the face)
Lilit (laughs). Oh, com'on, jerk! (shakes hands with Joseph) Nice to meet you! I'm Lilit, just Lilit! What a bonny guy! (Joseph kisses Lilit's hand) That is our Emperor. He has a sharp tongue and a sharp dagger. Try to avoid both. But generally, he is quiet. He killed me twice, but I'm not angry. He could kill really professional.
Emperor. Nice to meet you too, Joseph. She's lying, as usual.
Joseph (shakes hands with Emperor). Joseph, my pleasure.
Lilit. All right, now we're all friends! Everything is fine. I like to begin the day just fine. (notices the blood on Joseph's shirt) Oh, Joseph, you're bleeding! Jees, Adam, you're a goon, real goon! Emperor, water and towel, and quickly! Sit down, darling. (helps Joseph to sit down, to Adam) You, bastard, com'on, get breakfast ready. Good breakfast! We've a nice guest at home!
Adam leaves. Emperor enters with water and a towel. Lilit begins to wash Joseph's face, hands, neck.
Lilit (to Emperor). Get out of here! (to Joseph) What beautiful and small hands you have, like woman's. Poor guy. That Adam is terrible. If you'd know what he can do just because he is the first! Bastard! You smell really great, Joseph! Your nostrils are like apples. Your lips are like fresh wine. Kiss me, don't be afraid. Come on, I want you. They're gone. That's it. Once more. Let's go to my unit. Come on, my poor darling!
Lilit goes with Joseph to her unit. Silence, broken occasionally by Lilit's laughter. Adam enters. Looks around, looks into Joseph's cell, then knocks at Emperor's unit door.
Emperor (opens the door). Breakfast is ready?
Adam. Where're this sucker?
Emperor. Don't know, Lilit was licking his wounds.
Adam knocks at Lilit's door.
Lilit's voice. I'm busy!
Adam. Ask him, what wine he drinks in the morning?
Lilit (after pause). Cakhetian!
Adam (to Emperor). Cakhetian?
Emperor. Never heard about it. All right! We'll get Cakhetian. But, never heard about...
Adam goes to his cell. Emperor strolls around. Joseph comes out of Lilit's cell.
Emperor. Well, so what?
Joseph. What do you mean, "what"?
Emperor. Are your wounds O.K. now?
Joseph. I'll pay him back for all this shit.
Emperor. To pay back? That's right. Revenge is a man's duty. He's deserved it. I'll help you as I can. How's Lilit?
Joseph. What do you mean?
Emperor. We are used to taste just her stuff. Isn't she good, what do you think?
Joseph. I used to taste better meals.
Emperor. Oh, really!
Joseph. Really, really,... dearly, fearly... I wanna go! (leaves to his cell)
Emperor. He's O.K. now. That's good. Good sign.
Voice of Adam. Emperor, give me a hand with the breakfast!
Emperor goes into Adam's cell. Some time later they come out with the breakfast served on the table. Set out the chairs.
Emperor. What's for breakfast today?
Adam. Lobio, some poultry, greens, cheese, nuts, wine.
Emperor. This lobio, it's with legs or fins? Is it delicious?
Adam. I don't know, never tasted it. Be patient a little.
Emperor (sings). Lobio, lobio, we like lobio, we love it... But where's everybody?
Adam. Everybody is welcomed for breakfast, please!
Lilit comes out dressed as a bride.
Lilit. Hi, guys! How d'you like my dress? Do I look like a real bride?
Emperor. Ooh, what beautiful legs in sandals, beautiful bow-legged bride!
Lilit. Just idiot! Hungry idiot. Never again come to me, lousy jerk.
Emperor. No come, just jerk up!
Lilit. Joseph! Joseph, I'm waiting for you, darling.
Joseph enters.
Adam. Breakfast is ready!
Joseph. To hell with this damned breakfast! Company of idiots. The goon, the fool and the slut in bride's dress! Where's the exit out of here?! I'm asking, where's the exit?
Adam. There's no exit here, my friend. Please, cool down, have your breakfast. You're hungry, aren't you?
Joseph. Yes...
Adam. Take it easy, try this lobio, wine. We'll tell you everything.
Emperor. You like lobio, don't you?
Joseph. I do...
Emperor. Great! Help Lilit to sit down, she's like your bride. Quiet, my friends! Let's give our thanks to God for this day and for this food! Amen!
Everybody (except Joseph). Amen! (they sit down and begin eating)
Emperor. Really delicious! Tomatoes, sausages, vinegar, salt, greens. Really good. I want to keep in mind this recipe. Lobio. Good start, Joseph! The end also should be great. Some failures might be on the way through but that's the rules of the theater.
Lilit. Joseph, don't pay attention to him, pay it to me. Adam, please, help me with the wine. And propose a toast, you're the oldest here. Joseph, they treat me as a whore. They abuse me every day, especially this monster. But that's over now, I'll be scoffing them myself now!
Adam. Shut't up, lady. The first drink to the Person, who'd gathered all of us, to my Father! (everybody stands up, except Joseph)
Adam (to Joseph). Stand up, please. Stand up, I'm asking you as a friend. Stand up, Joseph, bastard!
Lilit. Stand up, darling, please. Don't make troubles in our company.
Joseph stands up, clearly against his will. Everybody tastes wine, then sits down.
Emperor. Good toast, and wine is good and matches this toast. What wine stock is this Cakhetinsky from, Joseph? (Joseph is silent)
Lilit. Leave him alone, let him eat quietly. Help me with the wine and I want that staff from the plate. I put on weight, I think... May I propose a toast? Just sitting. The toast is to my first man, the present of the Father. I've had a great many males, and they were all different. Whites, then yellows, then reds. I'd thought that's enough, but when I'd seen blacks... I got really crazy. Blacks, all black from top to the foot, except palms, heels and cocks. Oh, what I'm talking about? The last one is sitting here, silently like dead. They were crawling over me, were creeping into me like ants, into every hole, and I told them the same thing like broken record - "Oh, my darling! You're the best, the only one, come to me, my love, I'm full of burning desire!"...And they came in, and came out time and again. And we called it - love. Oh, Adam, to you, my first man, the only and the last, who's never heard this stupid lie thrown out of my damned female nature. To you! (drinks wine) I'd like to be a male from the very beginning...
Adam. Thank you, Lilit. I appreciate your feelings to me.
Emperor. Adam, let me, miserable slave, drink this toast too. Joseph, my friend, let's drink to Adam. That's the only chance in your life, don't miss it. (Joseph continues eating, showing no emotions) Strange guy. (drinks wine) I'm disturbed a little by Joseph's strangeness. We don't know him at all. We're watching him just first time. Certainly, he isn't an ordinary man, he's a real Person. And that's all we know about him. He's a black box.
Lilit. With rosy palms and cock.
Emperor. That's it. And what's inside this box is very interesting. I wann'a know it without breaking box's top. Joseph, tell us about yourself. Lilit, how's he in sex?
Lilit. Nothing special, like everybody. And didn't say any thanks.
Joseph. Thank you.
Lilit. You're always welcomed, honey. Want me once more?
Joseph. Just shut't up, lousy bitch.
Lilit. Oh, don't tell this. I'll remember your insulting me.
Adam. Take it easy, Lilit. Our life is boring, without any joy. We're sick of each other, we've forgotten how to love, how to tell the truth. I want to propose a toast to Emperor. (Emperor stands up) To my faithful friend! Sit down. There were a lot of people here, and we had great parties. And people told me a lot of sweet talks: "Adam! My friend! I'll be with you forever!" Where're they now, those sweettalking playboys? Once, the man with crispy voice had appeared, and began to insult me behind my back, began talk rot about me. Well, in situation like mine, you can't chose friends. To Emperor! To my shadow! A little more time and I'll begin to admire him.
Emperor. Thank you, Adam. Thank you. But don't get used to me. Habit means death to everything. I won't stand that. When I was the Emperor.. By the way, Joseph, did you have a chance to be the Emperor? What were you in another life? (Joseph is silent)
Adam. Don't push him like crazy. Let him enjoy his drink and food. we haven't told our dreams to each other for a long time. Come on, Emperor, you're the first. What is your last dream about, man?
Lilit. Oh, dreams! I like watching my dreams!
Emperor. What was my dream about? Oh, really, what was it about? You know, Adam, I don't remember. I'll be damned, but don't remember.
Lilit. No, you do remember, you, bastard! Please, you can't lie about your dreams, that's a rule, you know. Your dreams are always so interesting! I'm dying to know your dreams!
Adam. He likes to show off for a while.
Emperor. There was Lilit in my dream.
Lilit. Really? Are you kidding? Could you bet your last boot?
Emperor. Oh, I'm serious. That's true, I'd bet. I was coming to somewhere having reason to do something definite and clear. There was a dagger or a sword in my hand. And there was Lilit's voice, her laughter somewhere about, and there was another voice also. Suddenly, I ran across you Lilit and that guy.
Lilit. And what were we doing there?
Emperor. Honestly speaking, you were making love.
Adam. Who was this fellow, me?
Emperor. No. I was watching him from his back. Thin thighs and legs. Fingers on his feet were like monkey's. And two fingers were born-joined. Gees, that was disgusting!
Joseph jumps up from his chair.
Emperor. Oh, I got it, who was this guy! That was Joseph.
Adam. Don't worry, Joseph. That was just a dream. (Joseph sits down) And what happened after?
Lilit. Oh, ye..., what was after? Did you kill us?
Emperor. No, I didn't. I just woke up.
Lilit. Oh, no, that's not a real dream. You spoiled everything.
Emperor. Next night I won't miss it. I'll kill you definitely.
Lilit. When you're killing me next time, don't pierce Joseph through. Last time you managed to cut me also, see this ugly scar on my stomach. (shows the scar) Better slash to death next time. You see, Joseph, he's jealous like hell. You're not interested, are you? That's your business also, dear.
Adam. He didn't understand anything yet. Dreams are the only reality we have. Did you enjoy your food, my friend?
Joseph. Could you stop this stupid talking? Could you answer just one question where I am?
Emperor. It's a very simple answer, where you are? You're with us, and we're with you. Let's drink to our meeting. (to Joseph) Please, drink, it's for your good. Otherwise, you'll be in troubles, believe me, Emperor.
Joseph. But where are we all? What is this place?
Adam. We're in a closed space and there's no exit out here.
Joseph. Is it a prison?
Adam. It's a prison without windows and without warders.
Joseph. Could you go out of here, couldn't you?
Emperor. It's not so terrible. A lot of people spend all their lives in one town, one country, one planet. Everything depends on what do you consider as a prison. Someone's body might be a prison for his soul.
Joseph. I want to get out of here. I don't want to stay here forever.
Emperor. And we want the same thing!
Joseph. Could I talk to the warden?
Emperor (points to Adam). He's the one. Talk to him.
Adam. I'm just the senior of this cell-block.
Joseph. How many cells are here?
Adam. I've no idea.
Joseph. That's a blue hell.
Emperor. Prison is the closed material or intellectual space, where all inhabitants can legally and infinitely through their lives restrain the wills, abilities or actions of other inhabitants living together. And that's it!
Lilit. Oh, my God! You're such an intellectual person. Let's try something simple, let's torture him up to the first blood then leave him alone.
Adam. Do you really need this stupid certainty, man? Warden, no-warden, senior, junior! You really want it, don't you? O.K.! We're your wardens ,you're our prisoner, may be victim. If you're not interesting for us, we'll kill you!
Joseph. Kill me! It's against law! Damn it! Is there any order and law in this damned place? Damn it!
Adam and Emperor (both jump to their feet). Damn it!
Lilit ( a moment later). Damn it! Hah-hah-hah! I'm always late. Let's drink again.
Adam. There's a kingdom of laws here. Perfect laws! Laws of God!
Emperor and Lilit. Amen!
Joseph. Now I begin to understand what's going on here. It's a madhouse.
Emperor. Never heard about houses being mad.
Lilit. Oh, yes. If the house doesn't have a top it's a topless house. If the top's blown up you're mad!
Adam. What's the matter, Joseph! There are God's laws in the madhouse also.
Joseph. You're idiots! There's no God and there's no God's laws!
Emperor. Silence! Let's listen to the wise man! There's no ... what?
Joseph. There's no God!
Emperor. He's crazy! Oh, my God! Has God died?
Lilit. I don't understand anything. What's happened with God?
Emperor. He's no more! This man from the outer world has brought the latest news - There's no God!
Lilit. And who is instead of him?
Emperor. He is, Joseph! Joseph, the God's Mighty Man! Love him and adore him.
Lilit. I want to make love to him. Once, then again, real God's 'lovemaking!
Joseph. Damn it with your love! Adam! Lilit! God's creatures! You're descended from monkeys, monkeys! Bastards!
Emperor (to Adam and Lilit). You're descended from monkeys, Joseph and me from you!
Lilit. I'd forgive someone call me a slut. I've got plenty of sins, but being a monkey! Never!( Leaves to her cell).
Adam. Why doesn't he like monkeys? You've insulted Lilit. Stop it, crazy man!
Emperor. Don't give him more wine.
Joseph. Shut up, you shit! (drinks another glass ). I won't suck your asses. You don't know me.
Emperor. Nobody'll let you suck his ass. Hot, rough tongue's licking ass - wow, shute!
Joseph. I hate all of you. Lousy bastards. I'll kill you all. I'll kill you!
Emperor. You will!
Joseph. I'll kill you even if you kiss my ass. Kill.
Joseph trembling and unsteady goes into his cell. Lilit appears with Amour. Amour carries an assault gun in his hands. Joseph still shaking stops near his unit.
Emperor. Oh, that's a real guest! Amour, our love!
Amour. Hello, everybody! Nice to meet you. Adam! Hi, Emperor! Long time no see, folks!
Adam. Hello, Amour! Take it easy, help yourself with wine. Good wine, Cakhetinsky!
Amour. That's good. I've been in Cakhetia.
Emperor. And where's this place?
Amour. Right near Colkhida.
Emperor. And where's that Colkhida?
Amour. Oh, well! Emperor, you're the same all the time. So, well...
Lilit. First do the job, wine after that.
Amour. Where's the guy?
Lilit (points to Joseph). That's him.
Amour. Big deal! He looks lousy, may not stand up to the whole dose!
Lilit. Get him the best! He called me monkey!
Joseph. Monkey! Come on, bitch!
Amour. Wow, you can't forgive that, Lilit! For you, dear! (points his assault gun to Joseph and executes him point-blank)
Lilit. Good! (kisses Amour)
Adam. Amour, please, help yourself to food and wine. Long time no see, my friend! To you! To your great profession!
Lilit. To love you always give to people!
Amour. Thank you, my friends! ( drinks wine) Good wine, delicious! Glad to see you, everybody! I'd forgotten about everything when I got Lilit's voice. Call me more often.
Emperor. What's up? What news did you bring with yourself?
Amour. The same shute all the time. Nothing interesting. Much more pleasant here. Quietness, no troubles. nobody impersonates himself as saint, martyr or sinner. Good food, good wine, beautiful Lilit! What else a man may need in the Eternity?
Adam. Really, that's it!
Emperor. Who's a favorite now. Who's with the bandwagon?
Amour. Oh, just junkies, small fries,, no real personality. Everybody remembers you: "Where's our Emperor? Where'd he gone?" they say.
Emperor. Don't believe it. You're lying probably.
Amour. I'd bet my last spear!
Adam. By the way, where're your spears?
Amour (tapping the assault gun). This fellow is much more reliable. But I'm dressed as usual on parades - arch, spears, fig-leaf, size extra-large. Women go bananas!
Adam. Do they still remember Lilit and me?
Amour. Lilit and you? Sure, they do, they do remember both of you.
Adam. Well, O.K. How's Eve doing?
Amour. Eve? Well, as usual, I don't see her a lot, she's busy with charity actions.. Good wine, real tasty.
Lilit. Old bitch. I hate her!
Adam. Lilit!
Lilit. Sorry, Adam. What's new in fashion world? Some special?
Amour. Nothing special, actually no wear at all, that's modern style. Sometimes I come in and lady's just nude. Asks me to do something, promising a lot of pays back. "No, thanks, I don't take bribes" - that's my usual answer.. Just recently I'd spent the whole cartridge for one bitch, but when the customer woke up, and just nothing, just shit... So, I gave him coup de grace - spent another cartridge. I've noticed the doses are getting bigger. I need to keep five cartridges with me all the time. That's shit!
Lilit. It's really hard, honey.
Amour. You know, Lilit, just for you, for your one word... Remember, I tried to commit suicide because of you. Remember, don't you?
Lilit. It was such a long time ago. Oh, my God, it was such a long time ago and I'm so old now... Gentlemen, would you mind if Amour and I leave you?
Adam. We wouldn't. They still remember Emperor and me.
Amour. I bet, they do!
Adam. You can go, Amour. Don't forget about us. You're always welcome. Our best regards to everybody who still remembers us.
Emperor. And tell them also that Emperor feels great! And also, well... That's enough, just feels great, and that's it!
Amour. Good bye, folks!
Lilit and Amour goes into Lilit's unit. Adam looks gloomy and sad.
Emperor. Take it easy, Adam! Amour is a fool. He thinks just about males and females.
Adam. Shut't up! I don't care about them.
Emperor. All right, that's good. Hey, look, let's go fishing! We didn't get fishes out for a long time, Adam! Do you follow me?
Adam. I do. Let's go.
Adam and Emperor stand up and go to the Pump. Adam opens the hatchcover. There's a reddish glowing inside the Pump and there're sounds similar to the sound of the dredge.
Emperor. Just shit's coming, just small fries. Remember Adam, what great white fishes we got out some days back then. That was really great flesh. Look, this one isn't bad. Oh, no, too much fat. Here's next one. Grab her quickly! Hold her staff, don't let her go away! Oh, slippery bitch!
After some hustle, they pull out of the Pump naked woman's body.
Emperor. Looks pretty, what do you think, Adam?
Adam. Doesn't matter.
Emperor. Well, but I like a good staff.
Adam. Grab it and pull it to your unit.
Emperor. And you?
Adam. I don't want anything.
Emperor. Why not, you're a strange guy. Good staff is coming!
Adam. That's a sin. Incest. Deadly sin.
Emperor. Are you afraid of death? O.K., it's up to you. Just give me a hand.
Adam helps Emperor to grab the woman, Emperor leaves to his cell.
Adam. You could call Amour, he's still over here.
Emperor. It's not interesting, with Amour. Every son of a gun could do it with Amour.
Adam comes to Joseph, laying on the floor, then grabs his feet and pulls him to his cell. Comes out of Joseph's cell, begins to listen to the sounds from around. There're a woman's cry and sounds of slaps coming out of Emperor's unit. Adam leaves to his cell.
The End of the First Act.
THE SECOND ACT
There's a new furniture on the stage - judge's chair with a high back and two side chairs for Adam and Lilit. There's nobody in the hall. Everyone can hear child's crying from the Lilit's cell, then suddenly it stops as if the child is choked with the pillow. Silence. Joseph, safe and alive, comes out his cell. Some time later Emperor comes out of his unit also.
Joseph. Good morning.
Emperor. Good morning, Joseph. Did you sleep well this night? Do you like the new place?
Joseph. Oh, yes. Thank you. I drank too much yesterday and probably, said a lot of trash. I want to apologize. Never again. I'm very sorry.
Emperor. Don't worry, Joseph! The men could drink a little, the men could talk about life a little! That's O.K.! But a real man never apologizes for anything - that's my motto! Let's forget your apologizing as a bad joke. And that's it! But don't tell it to Adam and Lilit. They don't understand, they're quite different kind of people. I tell you what, they're primitive people, very unintelligent. They were the first ones, and didn't graduate from universities. But you were just natural and that was great. Don't change yourself, buddy!
Joseph. Thank you, sir.
Emperor. Never mind.
Joseph. And yesterday, well... who was that guy'd appeared before I left?
Emperor. That was Amour.
Joseph. Who?!
Emperor. Amour. The God of Love. He killed you by Lilit's request. Was it really painful?
Joseph. Oh, yes. Very painful.
Emperor. Don't worry anymore. He won't come back again.
Joseph. Well, you've told he'd killed me. It's a joke, isn't it?
Emperor. No, it's not a joke! He never plays jokes and takes no chances.
Joseph. Are you kidding? I'm alive.
Emperor. The nights here are very healing ones. I personally killed Lilit twice and once Adam. Adam killed me twice also, but see, I'm alive as you are. The night changes everything.
Joseph. I really don't understand you. Was I dead?
Emperor. You were, but not really. You were as dead as alive. Do you think Adam is better than me in fighting? That son of a gun! I'd given up because I'd wanted to feel it through myself. Lilit'd called Amour, he killed you, and that's his profession. The Death heals humans much better than thousands of doctors. You know it. Say nothing about dead or just good! Now you have just good inside your soul! You love all of us! Adam, Lilit, me! But most of all - Lilit! She called Amour. He'd got you, you love Lilit, don't you?
Joseph. It's none of your business.
Emperor. Oh, I've got it. Oh, Lilit, poor bitch!
Joseph. Don't say a word about her!
Emperor. You're too serious, perhaps Amour'd overdone his work. All right. Go ahead, she's yours. You're the first, I'll wait for a while. Com'on!
Joseph (grabs Emperor's chest). Stop it! Stop it, please!
Emperor (falls on his knees). Oh, no! Never! I'm afraid of you, brave hero Joseph! Spare my life, please!
There's child's cry coming again out of Lilit's cell.
Joseph. Somebody's crying, you hear?
Emperor. Well... Stupid woman. (knocks at Lilit's door) Lilit! Lilit!
Lilit comes out.
Lilit. Darling, help me, darling, that'll never happen again, I could swear, never!
Child's crying comes again out of Lilit's unit. Lilit rushes back, crying stops. Adam appears out of his cell.
Adam. What's happened? Good morning everybody. How's the first night. Joseph?
Joseph. Good morning. It's O.K., but I had strange dreams.
Adam. That's usual at new place. Somebody was crying, I heard?
Emperor. No, nobody.
Adam. I heard child's crying. Is it in your cell, Joseph?
Joseph. I don't have kids. (child's crying again)
Adam. Old bitch! (runs into Lilit's cell)
Lilit's cries "No, no!" Emperor stops Joseph, not letting him into Lilit's unit.
Joseph. Let me, please! No, let me...! Don't beat her! Lilit, I'm here!
Emperor. Stop it, idiot! Don't mess with them, it's for your good!
Adam comes out carrying a dead child in his hands, goes to The Pump, open the hatch and throws child's body inside.
Adam. Old bitch! (leaves to his cell. Emperor lets Joseph free)
Joseph. Why did he do this,... poor child...
Emperor. Well,.. he just did it.
Joseph. Where'd he throw him out?
Emperor. Not throw, but sent him for travelling. The kid'll see the new worlds, but he won't understand anything over there.
Joseph. He was dead, wasn't he?
Emperor. Not more dead than you're. Dead or alive, what's the difference? By the way, ancient Egyptians called the slaves dead-alives. With hyphen.
Emperor leaves to his unit. Some time after Lilit enters.
Joseph. Hello, Lilit. (Lilit cries. Joseph comforts her)
Lilit (weeps). He can't understand, he doesn't want to understand me. I'm not a dummy, I'm an alive woman. I want to be as everyone, to love, to be loved, have kids. I don't want too much. Why does he make me suffering for? You have so many of them, those little dolls in your House. What's wrong if I take one, the smallest, the weakest one, helpless and mild. They are brought to You every day, millions and millions. You won't loose a lot, these females shall deliver new ones. Any drunken bitch, any slut delivers them like kittens, and only me, me... me, the first woman in the history can't do this. I'm worse than all of them, I'm worse than any street whore. They don't deserve this Heaven's gift, those tacky bitches, their wishes're miserable. Oh, God, I feel really bad, dawn bad? Nobody needs me. Nobody!
Joseph. I need you, Lilit. I love you!
Lilit. Oh, that's you, Joseph. I didn't recognize you. You don't love, you just want me as a woman. I'd called Amour, and you began to want me. If I didn't call him, you would be sick of me. When you love somebody, you mustn't desire your love's flesh. You better kill your desire, that's a trap for naive fools. If you really love me Joseph, kill me! I wann'a rest for one day, I need it, to be dead quiet one day, and watch deadly dreams. Please, kill me, Joseph! But kill me without any pain! So I wouldn't feel anything, just fall into dead dream. Let's go, I have a sharp dagger, very sharp. Com'on, while nobody could bother us. Joseph! Com'on!
Lilit and Joseph leave to her cell. There're nobody in the hall for a while. Then suddenly the cry comes out of Joseph's unit: "Beria! Beria! Where're you, Beria?" Stalin comes out of the cell, dressed in gray military jacket
and trousers. He knocks into every corner and looks confused and feeble.
Stalin. Beria. Beria! No kidding, where're you all, bastards? Beria, where you are? (comes to Adam's cell, opens it. There's Adam, staying at the door) That's you, Beria? Where are the rest of the people? You're playing tricks on me, aren't you? (Adam watches Stalin silently) Who are you, what are you doing here?
Adam. Welcome here, my dear son. We salute you.
Stalin. Dear son? What the hell you're talking about? Are you all drunk like crazy over here? Is anybody sober here? Beria, son of a gun, you'll pay with your head for all this mess. Your bastards're going too far! (Stalin goes to Emperor's door. Emperor appears near the entrance) Where's Beria?
Emperor. Beria, where're you, Beria? Well, old man, there's no Beria anywhere! Who are you, by the way?
Stalin. Am I still dreaming? (nips himself, then tries to nip Emperor) Who are you?
Emperor. I'm The Emperor! And I'm tough! Very tough!
Stalin. Are you Napoleon?
Emperor. And you don't know about others, perhaps, do you, old man? You're a stupid jerk, man!
Stalin (points to Adam). And who is this guy?
Emperor. Oh, that is Adam! Have you heard about Adam? You haven't, old man. You know nothing!
Adam. You see, Emperor, how time changes people. Time is the most terrible thing, time is a God's whip for mankind, his most deadly fantasy. (leaves to his cell)
Emperor. You are the same, Joseph. Never catch at once.
Stalin. Emperor and Adam. Can I see the general manager of this hospital?
Emperor. The general manager of everything is time, but there's no time over here at all. We'd replaced time with wine, women, dreams and fistfighting. What do you like, sir, wine? woman? brawl?
Stalin. Is any nurse around? I want to see the nurse.
Emperor. Oh, I see, old man! You want to see a nude nurse! That's good, I like it. I understand you, old guys are horny. Just knock at this door and come into. (points to Lilit's cell)
Stalin (knocks at the door). Comrade nurse! Comrade nurse!
Lilit's voice. I'm not alone.
Emperor (to Stalin). She has a customer now, she'll be available pretty soon. Just wait for a while.
Stalin sits down on the chair. Joseph comes out, watches Stalin with some bewilderment. Emperor watches them with a great deal of pleasure.
Joseph. Hello, old man. (Stalin doesn't answer and tries to come into Lilit's unit. Joseph stays on his way). What do you need over there? You have nothing to do there.
Stalin. I need the nurse. Please, let me in.
Joseph. You have nothing to do there, man!
Stalin. Let me in.
Emperor. Let the old man in, Joseph. He has some desires also.
Stalin. Let me in!
Lilit's voice. Who's there? (Lilit comes to the door). Joseph, I don't need the guard here!
Stalin. Are you a chief nurse in this asylum?
Lilit. Oh, that's good! Come in, old man, undress yourself, please. (Stalin enters inside Lilit's unit). Take it easy, honey! (Lilit kisses Joseph and closes the door)
Joseph, enraged, rushes to his cell. Suddenly, Stalin's cries come out from Lilit's unit: "Help! Help me! What are you doing, bitch!" Partly undressed Stalin runs out of Lilit's unit. She enters the hall after him, laughing.
Stalin. Bitch! Damned bitch! You are one of Beria's sluts! I'll kill both of you!
Lilit (laughs loudly). Oh, old man, you don't like women? Never seen such a queer guy before!
Stalin. Don't take me for an idiot! Do you know, who I am? You don't know probably! Who am I? Who am I? (Stalin is furious. Adam and Joseph appears out of their cells). You don't know, who I am! Who I am! (He is nearly fainted. Sits down on the chair).
Emperor. Joseph, that's you.(points to Stalin)
Joseph. Are you kidding.
Adam. He's not kidding.
Lilit. I really didn't expect Joseph could do that. He turned to be so moral man, more saint than The Pope. Oh, old man, you just missed the unique opportunity to have sex with the best woman in the world!
Emperor. Just look, Joseph, his left arm is dried out. And I'm pretty sure, there're some joint fingers on his foot.
Stalin. Who are you? What do you want?
Adam. Don't you quest? How did you get here?
Joseph. It's me? It's me, Adam, I'll be like him?
Adam. It's you, but you won't be like him. Time isn't moving already.
Stalin (to Adam). I'm dead, ain't I?
Adam. Yes, you are.
Stalin. When did it happen?
Adam. Yesterday, in the morning.
Stalin (stands up and approaches Joseph). Me, really, me. But just a young me. (touches Joseph's face). Poor Joseph. Still young and still happy. (to Adam) So, you didn't lie to me?
Adam. No.
Stalin. And you are Adam?
Adam. Yes. (Stalin kneels down and kisses Adam's hand). Oh, no, stand up, please, my son. I didn't deserve these honors. You are equal to me.
Stalin (stands up). And she is...? (points to Lilit). Is she really...?
Adam. Yes, she's Lilit.
Stalin. I can't believe it...!
Emperor. And I'm the Emperor!
Lilit. I'm going to change my dress. (leaves)
Emperor. And I'm the Emperor!
Stalin (pays no attention to Emperor). And this is... (waves his hand), this is the hell?
Emperor. Oh, no!
Adam. No, not at all.
Stalin. I couldn't expect the Paradise.
Emperor. Oh, it isn't!
Adam. Really, it's not the Paradise.
Stalin. Is it purgatory?
Emperor. Sh-sh, not so loud! We try to avoid this word. It sounds a bit of surgical. We say Purgatorium! Or, Customs office! May I introduce myself. I'm the Emperor, purgatorium attendant, or simply, publican!
Stalin (points to Joseph). How come is he in this place?
Adam. He is the judge.
Joseph. I will be a judge for him, won't I?
Adam. You will be a judge for yourself.
Emperor. It's not so hard. I remember, I sentenced myself in twenty seconds. To death. Eternal Death. It's easy.
Stalin. Everything is very strange over here. I thought the death really exists, but it doesn't.
Adam. It doesn't, really it doesn't.
Stalin. And what are you going to do with me?
Emperor. Actually nothing, just try you in ordeal and that's all. We can't avoid it, you understand, we have to work out our daily bread.
Stalin. I'm ready.
Adam. We have to change our dresses. It'll take a minute.
Emperor. But don't even try to escape, you, bastards. We'll get you wherever you might be. Ooh-ooh! (frightens Joseph)
Adam and Emperor leave.
Stalin (approaches Joseph). You are like my Jacob.
Joseph. Jacob? What Jacob?
Stalin. Jacob was my first son.
Joseph. What'd happened to him?
Stalin. Bad people killed him. I didn't expect the death would be so interesting.
Joseph. What will happen to us?
Stalin. I don't know. How long are you here?
Joseph. One day and one night.
Stalin. What did you do all this time?
Joseph. First, they made a feast to my honor, than they killed me, and there were dreams at night. After that the morning and you.
Stalin. And me. And what about dreams? What dreams did you have?
Joseph. There were horrible dreams. About me, about you, I'd recognized you at once. You're the man from my dreams. Tell me, why is your life so terrible?
Stalin. I couldn't do anything. I had no choice. Seems, they're coming. Don't let them... They're coming.
Impressively dressed Emperor comes out with the staff, knocks it at the floor and proclaims: "Adam!" Adam dressed as ancient Greek God comes out takes his seat. Emperor proclaims again: "Lilit!" Lilit comes out and takes her seat.
Emperor. Joseph, the son of Vissarion! (Joseph takes the judge's seat)
Adam (to Stalin). We want to listen to your testimony.
Stalin. What should I talk about?
Adam. About yourself.
Stalin. Should I be a judge for myself?
Emperor. Just try, if you're able to do it. If you succeed, you'll be the first one to do so.
Stalin. I was a very arrogant man through all my life. I had a lot of merits, but arrogance dashed out everything. Arrogance was the engine of my nature. When I'd understood it, it was too late. And I'd took it as it was. I turned to be the prisoner of my own personal prison, built inside my soul. There was no joy in my existence through my last years. And that's it.
Emperor. Not very much.
Lilit. Were you glad, when you got a chance to break the Commandments.
Stalin. That was sour gladness.
Lilit. But it was a gladness, anyway. I have no questions.
Adam. Joseph!
Joseph. I didn't want him to be that kind of person. I don't understand why it had happened.
Stalin. You're lying. You're lying to yourself and to us. Adam, he's lying, he understood everything back then! I want to ask him what did he do with me? I blamed my youth, blamed my malice, my avarice, my vengefulness. I was alone, really alone, and nobody could tell me: "Poor Joseph!" Who is to blame for my tragedy? Just you! You are young and full of illusions. All my troubles were brewing out of these stupid illusions. He must stay in this place instead of me! He must! I'm his child, and a child isn't responsible for his father!
Lilit. That's interesting, at least! This idiotic repentance just makes me sick! I'm guilty, I'm guilty, I'll change myself, that's all bullshit! For all my really long life, and I don't want to mention my age, I've never seen anybody who really felt the repentance. And that is right! This repentance is all due to fear. (to Stalin) Don't be afraid of anything, man! Get this sucker busted, he began your life!
Adam. Lilit, Lilit, take it easy, cool down.
Emperor (to Joseph). And you, you don't be like a stupid ass! You are the judge, just you, and he is nobody! Just beat his shit out of him! Come on! (claps his hand).
Joseph. I can't blame him. That's his fate.
Emperor. You can't! But we can! Had you your dreams about his life? You know now what he had done!
Joseph. I know.
Adam. You told us about fate. But is it my fate to be here? Is it my fate to clean up all this shit? No, Joseph, that's enough! And now, one of you, no matter who, should go to the Pump, and another one will continue to stay here. I'm sick of you, guys. People were much better those old days!
Emperor. They were better and they had morality. And they never flew off the handle about somebody's guilt. They talked turkey. Let's talk turkey, old man.
Stalin. And what's inside The Pump?
Emperor. Hay, look. Are you afraid?
Lilit. There is a great boredom inside. Great gray boredom. No thoughts, no moves. Nothing. And even no devils. Devils, at least, could make some fun.
Emperor. He realizes that's terrible! Somebody's whisper, then a crunch, just crunch and no cry, and darkness again. You'll see it yourself soon, old man. But you have a small chance to send Joseph to The Pump. We could replace with him.
Adam. It's also possible.
Lilit. I like the old man more than the young one. He could change himself. Could you, old man? He's still full of energy.
Emperor. Don't thrust your will on The High Court, you bitch!
Lilit. Have you heard this? Adam, he called me a bitch! I want him out of the Court. Go to my unit and we'll find out who's bitch and who's not!
Adam. Oh, please, don't turn the trial into farce. Old man has thirty millions behind him. Thirty millions. It's just preliminary estimation.
Joseph. Did he steal thirty million bucks?
Adam. Not bucks, but lives.
Emperor. Big deal! We do know bigger staff.
Lilit. It's really too much, old man! Did you need all those thirty millions? I suffer just for one soul, but you have thirty..., well, it's really too much!
Emperor. I think we have to finish with him, we didn't yet have a breakfast. Let's finish with him and switch for a good meal. They're just looking at each other like chickens and saying nothing. That's not right. I wann'a eat like crazy. (pulls out the dagger). Well, let's finish with him. Hay, Joseph? (comes close to Stalin). What'd you think?
Stalin. Wait a minute!
Emperor (steps back). Sh-sh. Don't frighten him off.
Stalin. Wait a minute.
Lilit. Emperor is right. Let's finish with these guys. All is well that ends well. But I personally like him (points to Stalin) more. He's more interesting. I don't like chickenheads. You have to prove your rights yourself.
Stalin. Could I defend myself? Could I speak?
Adam. Sure, you could.
Stalin. Thanks a lot. I'm not afraid of this trial. I can't avoid it, but I'm not afraid. Why ain't I afraid? What are the reasons not to be afraid? There're some of them.
First, the most ruthless trial the man can go through is the trial where he's a judge for himself. What is shame? The shame is the man's rage against himself... If this rage is furious enough, the man could sentence himself and could be his own executioner. He commits suicide!
Emperor. Wow, that's it. Keep on, man, but try hard.
Stalin. I went through this trial not once, but some circumstances didn't let me finish the whole deal. Those were my watchful guards.
Emperor. But now we want to help you in this righteous work. We have the same goal! You don't even need to raise a hand, just r-rrush, and that's it!
Stalin. Don't push me, please. I have something more to say. So, first, I condemned and sentenced myself many a time. And the second, where could I bring more help? At the place without movement, without life and thoughts or here, where you could make severe evaluation of human's life? And I would say, the bigger help of mine should be here.
Emperor. He's talking sweet, but I don't see any use of it. Do you, Adam?
Adam. Just keep silent. Go on, old man.
Stalin. Believe me, you barely could find so great life experience as mine. I've tried everything in life, I've gone through all steps approaching the top of the pyramid, from where I was sent over here. I know everything about the dreams of a simple working man, I know hopes and expectations of millions of common people, I know thoughts and fears of little chiefs and big chiefs. I know my own fear when one your word could decide the future of nations and you can't make a mistake, the whole world is watching you, but you don't know what to do!
Emperor (sobs). Oh, no. I can't stay with it anymore! Adam, I feel sick, may I throw up right now?
Adam. Not now. Just keep silent. (to Stalin) Go on.
Stalin. I've learned everything in that world. But what does this youngster know? What did he learn? Nothing and he'll be helpless and useless, believe me , I know him. I don't want to reject him, I love him, that is my youth. But you must find courage to reject everything personal, to reject your own wife, your own brother, to reject yourself for the good of a general idea!
Emperor. Well, that's interesting! Go on!
Stalin. Naive people think that great deeds might be done with good heart and clean hands. It's the same as you would be trying to keep wolves and sheep together and make them happy. Wolf is happy when it drinks the sheep's blood. The sheep's happiness is to see the wolf dead. The life is the permanent balancing on the edge of the sword. There's Good on the one hand, and there's Evil on the other. You cannot be kind without doing evil. When the Good is exhausted in your stock, what will you do with the remained Evil? Just give it to somebody as capital, and that's the end of your kindness. Capital gift is capital punishment!
Emperor. He's right, absolutely right! Keep on with your speech, good man!
Stalin. I don't see any problems with the choice. It's the highest honor to see you all! Long live Adam and Lilit, the first couple in history of mankind! Long live The Divine Court, the fairest Court in the world! Glory to the fallen Righteous ones!
Lilit (laughs loudly). Well done, old man! You got it! (jumps up joyfully around Stalin, hugs him, kisses him) Long live me! That's good! You're really good, oldie! Let's go to my place! We'll have fun!
Emperor. That's a good resume, you've come to real good conclusion. See, Joseph, how the man should come! To good conclusion! The woman goes bananas over it. And you're the looser! You've lost your life bet! Com'on here, com'on.
Joseph (approaches Emperor). What should I do now?
Emperor. You, just nothing. He'll finish you. (gives a dagger to Stalin) Grab it, good old man.
Joseph. What are you doing? It's not right! You're all crazy! It's a mob law!
Lilit. He's talking now, lousy jerk! "I can't blame..., I have no moral right.., and so on!" All this shit! You have to fight for your life! And those thirty..., those thirty..?
Emperor. Millions.
Lilit. They also wanted to live, those millions! Com'on, oldie! Get him busted! Allons, Enfants de la Patrie!... We raise the world up with "International"! (stays behind Stalin and manages him as a doll, waving the dagger)
Joseph. No! No! Not me! (Emperor grabs Joseph from the back. Joseph tries to set himself free, but with no result) Lilit, don't look! Don't! I don't want! I don't! Leave me alone! Oh-oh!
Lilit (manages Stalin). Com'on, oldie! Com'on, honey! Just hit him! Get him down!
Emperor. Finish him! Can't hold him anymore! I'll give the command! Ooops!
Joseph. Bastards!
Emperor and Lilit leave Joseph and Stalin at once. Joseph pulls out the dagger from Stalin's hand and kills him. Then grabs his head with the hands, falls down, his body cramps.
Joseph. Oh, my head! M-mm, my head!
Lilit. I take the betting! Who wants to bet!
Adam. Joseph will win.
Emperor. I'm afraid, he will. He should!
Lilit. Could you tell something different, at least, once in a time? I would like to see old man as a winner. He would be superquiet oldie.
Adam. You bet.
Lilit. All right. Emperor, he's moving a little!
Emperor squats down, listens to Joseph's mumbling.
Emperor. Lilit! Serve the table, please. Joseph is coming to.
Lilit. I lost the bet! Damn it!
Adam. Help him to stand up. Mop the floor, there's blood on it. Let's go, Lilit. (leaves with Lilit into her cell).
Emperor grabs Joseph. Helps him to stand up. Joseph is weak, unsteady.
Joseph. What's going on! I feel terrible. The voice. Where's this voice coming from? I'm sick.
Emperor. Grab my hand. You're a winner, but you have to pay for that. He'll be with you all the time.
Joseph. Why did you give him the dagger? Did you want my death? Why? Did I do something bad to you?
Emperor. Did you kill first time?
Joseph. Yes. (he vomits).
Emperor. You'll get used to it. Grab his legs. Let's throw him into The Pump. Com'on, fuck'en killer!
They grab Stalin's body, carry it to the hatch, open it and push Stalin's body inside.
Emperor. So, you didn't want to kill him. So, it happened in a moment of blind rage. Mop the floor, take a rest and you're welcome to Lilit. We gonna drink to your good luck!
Joseph. There should be something again tomorrow, shouldn't it?
Emperor. Certainly! We'll have a lot of fun tomorrow!
Joseph closes the hatch. He feels sick, slows down to the floor, leans against The Pump and weeps.
The End of the Second Act.
The Third Act
The stage is turned into a typical Soviet court-room ("troika-room"). There's the chair of the head of "troika" in the middle with the emblem of the USSR framed by two chairs of "troika"-head assistants. There's a big picture with the scene out of Comrade Stalin's life (subject is any).
Lilit, almost undressed, appears out of her unit. She carries colored dresses for Joseph and goes into his cell.
Some time later, Adam and Emperor come out of their cells almost simultaneously. Both dressed in gray military-type jackets of Stalinist era, Russian military boots ("sapogi"). Both decorated with Red Banner Orders, Adam has more regalia than Emperor.
Emperor. Good morning, Comrade Adam. Did you have a good night?
Adam. Good morning, Comrade Emperor. I really had, thank you. And dreams were not nightmares. And you?
Emperor. No dreams at all. Have you got some messages from the Center? Any suggestions? Any complaints about actions?
Adam. No, nothing. Everything fine.
Emperor. No news are good news.
Adam. Oh, yes. (strolls around and sings some melody quietly).
Emperor. Once upon a time, when I was the Living God...
Adam. Well, so what?
Emperor. ...I had a small court theater.
Adam. I could imagine what you had...
Emperor. Don't be so crabby. Sometimes, we had a good staff there. Once, I got a pretty good play about the first humans. And that was really a good one.
Adam. About whom?
Emperor. About you and Eve. Scenes from The Paradise.
Adam. I see. Was it good?
Emperor. Sure, it was. Definitely, I was impersonating Adam myself, undressed, figleaf size extra large. And there was a great competition for the role of Eve, the best ladies of The Empire, and we couldn't reject anybody because their husbands might felt hurt. That was the problem!
Adam. I didn't have the best Ladies of The Empire. I had the shit I usually got.
Emperor. And my court-clown gave me an advice. Eve should be without navel! Do you realize it?
Adam. That's great! Did you find anybody for the role?
Emperor. If you try hard, you'll find what you need! Fifteen years old, slim, pretty, has everything except navel! The navel just gone! I'd searched her several times and didn't find it. Where's the navel, darling? And she answered without any blushing: "It's rubbed out!"
Adam. Hah-hah-hah! Rubbed out. There are women. How did she act?
Emperor. I don't remember. And she comes from the gentle family. She was either princess, or countess, don't know exactly.
Adam. They are all the same. May be, you'll meet her some time.
Emperor. I would like. Well, today we give a farewell party to our Joseph.
Adam. Ye...
Emperor. We have to make it real nice, I like him.
Adam. I like him too.
Emperor. Are we expecting any guests?
Adam. Probably, a couple.
Emperor. O.K.! What's Lilit doing? Have you seen her?
Adam. No. Just come in and ask her.
Emperor. All right. (knocks at Lilit's door). Lilit, the heart of our life, are you ready? I think, not. I think she's at Joseph's unit. She forgot everything! In her age! I want to register it. (knock at Joseph's door). Lilit! Lilit! Are you O.K.? What has he done with her?
Door opens, and Joseph dressed in colored dresses comes out.
Emperor. "And The King of Israel said: Ooh!" Oh, Gosh, who's this superhandsome guy? Is it Narcissus? Joseph, darling, is it you?
Joseph. Lilit wants me to be dressed so. A lot of colors, aren't there?
Emperor. Oh, no. "And loved Josephus more than others sons, because he was the son of his elderness. And gave Josephus colored dresses!"
Adam. Good morning, Joseph.
Joseph. Good morning, Adam. This old man memory's screwing my head like crazy. It's hard, really terrible.
Adam. Look into my eyes. (puts his hands on Joseph's head). Is it better now?
Joseph. Oh, yes. He stopped.
Lilit appears.
Lilit. What dresses you have today, guys? It's awful. Should I be dressed in this trash also? (kisses Adam and Emperor).
Adam (looks at Joseph). What's wrong with him?
Lilit. Old guy'd gone wild when he saw me. I gave it up. He's sorry about yesterday's mess and wants more sex. (cries into Joseph's ear). I told you, old sucker, you'd miss me! (leaves).
Joseph (speaks in Stalin's voice). Don't leave! (speaks in his own voice). It's him again!
Emperor. Don't worry, let him sit inside you, you'll get used to him.
Joseph. You've changed the staff over here. The chairs are different. Whose picture is this?
Adam. It's you . Do you like it?
Joseph. It's good. What about breakfast? I'm hungry.
Emperor. O.K. Adam, see about breakfast?
Adam. Should be ready in a minute.
Emperor. And wine as well?
Adam. Have you ever had breakfast without wine?
Emperor. I've forgotten. It was a long time ago, when I'd got real old. That was a bad time. Headache in the morning, backache in the evening, life is full of pain. And it's beautiful now! (grabs Joseph and turns him in the air as a toy).
Joseph. Take it easy! Don't hurt me! (Emperor puts him on the floor. He tries to wrestle with Emperor, but looses). You're a buffalo! Real buffalo.
Emperor. Who'll serve the breakfast?
Adam. Joseph the Second.
Joseph. Again? And I should kill him again?
Adam. I told you, there's no death. Not to kill, but to conquer, to overcome him. No death, just overcoming.
Emperor. Well, don't guess, you'll see what to do. Let's take the seats. (everybody sit down).
Joseph. So quiet.
Emperor. The angel just've flown around.
Lilit appears, dressed quietly, but with taste. She wears long skirt, coat, there's a star on the coat.
Lilit. Here we go! I'm not bad in this dress. (points to the orders). Should I have this medals too.
Emperor. You haven't deserved 'em yet.
Lilit (sits down). What are we waiting for?
Emperor. For breakfast!
There're sounds of falling furniture and somebody's curses in Joseph's cell. Koba, dressed as Adam and Emperor but without orders, comes out. He carries the basket with wine and breakfast and an old-type gramophone in this hands. He's pretty drunk.
Emperor. And there's breakfast, my friends!
Koba. Fuck it! What the hell they put around! (notices the people around the table). Good morning, Comrades. Sorry, but I don't recognize you!
Lilit. Hello, Comrade. Who are you, Comrade?
Koba. That's funny. But there's no fun for me today. You could call me Koba today. I feel pretty bad today. Very bad. I have a great sorrow today. (puts gramophone and basket on the table).
Lilit. What sorrow do you have, Comrade Koba?
Koba. Call me simply Koba. Not Comrade. I'm not Comrade to you! I'm mourning my friend today. Real friend, not like all you. You put away your fuck'en shit around, in the dark, you, trotskyist kikes. What are you looking at me like fuck'en crazies? Have a lot of Orders on your shitty dress, haven't you? Don't pay attention to me. I feel real bad. Who's from security service over here?
Emperor. Me!
Koba. It should be wake. Serve this mournful breakfast. Rye bread, red wine. Serve it real good. We gonn'a drink Red Georgian wine. He liked it. He loved me also. (Emperor serves the breakfast. Koba comes to Adam, Lilit and Joseph). Who are you? Your names?
Lilit. Lilit.
Joseph. Joseph. (Adam is silent).
Koba (points to Adam). And who is this fellow?
Emperor. He's deaf-n-dumb. He was wounded in Polish Campaign. His name is Adam.
Koba. Two Poles and the Jew're dancing Russian waltz, "International" is the music, German's eating schmaltz!
Koba sets on the record, gramophone begins to play "International". Everybody stands up, except Adam.
Emperor. It's ready, Comrade Koba.
Koba. My dear friends, let's begin this sorrowful wake. (pours the wine into glasses). Today is a very dark, very bad day in my life. My friend has just passed away. To him! (everybody drinks).
Lilit. Who was your friend?
Koba. Wine is not bad. Please, help yourself with meals! Here's roasted chicken, here's salad. My Dad always said: "Good eating, good shitting!" Just, taste it, please. (gives Adam a chicken leg).
Adam. Thank you.
Koba (to Emperor). You told me he's deaf-n-dumb!
Emperor. He began to talk after seeing you. It's a nervous shock.
Koba. The dead often begin to talk after seeing me! Did you ask me something?
Lilit. Who was your friend?
Koba. My friend was a friend of mine. I loved him as a brother! I did everything for him, I was his faithful dog! I forgave his attitude to me, his arrogance, his callousness. And he betrayed me. How could he?! How could he?! Behind my back! I pleaded with him not to betray me! Not to betray! But he continued. He betrayed again and again! Couldn't stop!
Emperor. Bastard!
Koba. Don't say a word about him! Don't!
Joseph. What'd happened to him?
Koba. It's not of your fuck'en business. He passed away that's it. To him! Please, to him! (everybody drinks and eats). I'll give his name to the best city. The most beautiful streets, parks, cultural centers will be named in his honor. My friend was a handsom man. He'd deserved this honor. But this slut and her fuck'en kids will get nothing, except shame. But let her enjoy life a little, just a little.
Adam. You look tired, Koba. You need some rest.
Koba. Tired? I'm tired to be tired. I'm sick. I feel bad. I need a rest. What is your business over here?
Emperor. To pass judgment upon human creatures.
Koba. Don't judge, and you won't be judged.
Joseph. The best might be the worst, the worst might be the best.
Koba. This Jewish guy is smart.
Emperor. Really smart.
Koba. May be too smart. Too smart turns fart. Let's drink to our Soviet Court, the fairest Court in the world!
Emperor. Beautiful words! Great toast! (everybody drinks and eats).
Koba (to Lilit). Why don't you drink, you, trotskyist?
Lilit. Comrade! Don't insult me , comrade! I'm the faithful member of the Party since, hell knows, what year!
Koba (hugs Lilit). You're not a member of the Party, you're ... (whispers to her ear. Lilit laughs and slaps his hand). Oh, it's real nice over here, in this place. Real joy for body and for mind. Hey, guys, may be you'll be judges for me. I wish to confess, my soul is full of sins. The priests aren't all idiots. We have to make something instead of church confession. That's a good idea!
Emperor. This idea isn't bad. But how could we, small fellows, pass the judgment upon the sins of Comrade Koba?
Koba. Let's try. And try hard. We'll make a rehearsal. If it doesn't work, we just stop it! We'll test our ideas over real live staff. (to Emperor). And you are smart! But don't let this guy (points his finger to Joseph) to overpower you. I know his tribe pretty good. They are all flunkies.
Emperor. Let's go. Defendant, sit down, please.
Koba. Just a minute. Let me drink one more glass.
Emperor. Take your time. We aren't monsters. Quite possible that glass of wine is the last one in your life.
Koba. What a nice talk! If it's the last one, I want one more! (drinks one more glass and sits down).
Lilit. Please, stand up. The trial begins! (everybody stands up). Please, sit down! (everybody sits down).
Koba. Dial "Trial", Soviet Court, Fuck'n Board and Jewish Ford, Rap-n-Port!
Lilit. Defendant, stop this Court contempt, otherwise you'll loose your rights for defense.
Koba. Yes, sir! Sorry, mam! Sorry, your honors. Take no pity on me!
Adam. Your name, defendant and the name of your father.
Koba. Joseph, son of Vissarion, cobbler from the town of Gori. Koba is my Party nickname.
Adam. What's wrong with you, Koba? what is bothering you? Tell us, be honest and don't be afraid. I promise nobody except us could hear your testimony.
Emperor. Adam is right. Nobody could!
Koba. And I want to keep my promise. I promise you the same. He's deaf, but he understands everything. Sometimes to be deaf not being really is very helpful.
Emperor. Oh, no. He's just reading your lips-talking.
Koba. I guess, you are all lips-readers. It's a lipservice. Lip-security-service. Go on.
Lilit. Comrades! I wish you to follow the mainstream of the trial procedure. Comrade Koba wants this trial and, obviously, after sentencing, he might have his last will. Comrade, would you have your last will?
Koba. Sure, and not the only one.
Lilit. I have no questions so far.
Joseph. Tell us about your life.
Koba. My life was bad. Pretty bad. No fun. "Was tortured, was ordealed and suffered a lot". Hard, miserable life.
Adam. Did you create idols of marble or bronze worked by your artists?
Koba. They can't live without'em. I understand it's bad! But they can't! They need this drug every day. They are slaves.
Adam. Did you say evil words about your mother?
Koba. I did. That's my sin. Forgive me.
Adam. Did you kill your close ones secretly?
Koba. No, I didn't! (weeps). I pleaded to him not to betray me, just a small thing to be faithful to me! To be faithful! Be faithful and we could change the whole world! But he betrayed me. (sobs). And I'm not Almighty! There're some forces of more power than mine! I am in shackles of fate! I couldn't help him! He was too gullible! Those bastards badmouthed me... He didn't love me! I gave him everything. I made him as God! But he... His betrayal tortures my mind. I hadn't saved him, I was too trustful and didn't realize what was going on. Your honors, what is in my future? I am alone. It's awful. I feel frightened. I feel frightened at night and daytime, when I'm alone or with the woman! Horrible Fear! I want death, your honors! I have nobody and nothing to live for. My friend passed away. Execute me. Kill me! Are you going to kill me?
Joseph. Yes, we are.
Koba. Thank you, your honors. My first desire is to die with honor. The trial clears your soul up, many people don't understand the meaning of sacrifice! You sacrifice yourself, your body, your flesh, your friend for the great idea, for the great future! You sacrifice everything for the people's future, but they can't appreciate it! Thank you, your honors! Thank you. (comes to the table and drinks wine).
Lilit. I'm sorry, Comrade, but we were talking about your last wills.
Koba. How many should I have?
Emperor. Just three and all are the last ones. That's the rule of the trial.
Koba (to Lilit). And you, bitch, want me to drown in shit after the clearance of my soul?
Lilit. Yes, I do want, and you do also, I think.
Joseph. Stop it, Lilit!
Koba. She's a bitch, and witch! Execute me! The last will should be the last. Every moment is the last one. Everybody stays in his place. Don't move.
Lilit goes with Koba to her cell.
Adam (to Joseph). I'm surprised, Joseph. I didn't expect you could do this.
Emperor. And I'm surprised also, and you know, I'm an old hand in this matter. I had a cousin, the real son of a bitch. I'd tried him several times until I got him and finished him. He pleaded for death.
Adam. Did he get it?
Emperor. Sure, he did. He couldn't miss it.
Joseph. I think this Koba isn't looking for death after repentance. He's just playing a fool around.
Adam. What is the old man telling you?
Joseph (listens carefully to the inner voice). He said we better watch it. Koba can make a surprise for everybody. Old man is expecting him anxiously. He wants to pay back to Koba for his lonely old years.
Emperor. It's funny. Funny fuck'n mess in Purgatorial. Let's drink to Lilit's good luck.
Lilit enters.
Emperor. Are you alive, dear! Your life will be pretty long one, we've just mentioned you. You are pretty fast!
Lilit. It's all guff. Top members stay, down members lay. Where's my drink?
Koba comes out, zipping his trousers.
Koba. You are toasting wine without me, folks? You've dropped me out of the crew, haven't you?
Emperor. Not at all, dear Koba! We're waiting for you. And waiting for your second last will.
Koba. Just men're toasting. (to Lilit). Get out here. Can't see you anymore.
Lilit. You'll be sorry for that, good man! (leaves).
Koba. That's better. Women could spoil everything. To my wills!
Adam. To them! (everybody clinks the glasses and drinks).
Koba (to Emperor). Give me what you have? (Emperor gives him the dagger). Good. Great weapon. For a real knight. And my last will is... (drinks wine) to quit this life by myself. I wann'a do it myself, with my own hand. It's a great sin, but I want it. Adam, (kneels before Adam) forgive me this sin, forgive, please!
Adam. Empowered by Father-God, I forgive your sins, son of man. Amen!
Emperor and Joseph. Amen!
Koba. And that's it. Just keep silent, don't break the holy quietness of my last moments of life. Fill your glasses, please. (Emperor pours the wine into glasses). Let's pray for poor Joseph Djugashwili! Just a second. (sets up the record and turns on the gramophone. Sounds of Georgian folk song "Suliko"). Let's sing it! (Koba sings, Joseph also tries to sing. Emperor sings quietly). Good bye, Comrades! Good bye, my sister!
Lilit looks out of her unit. Koba pierces himself with the dagger, falls down the floor slowly.
Lilit. He got it, didn't he?
Emperor. Looks like.
Joseph. No, he's faking.
Koba (lies on the floor). Why don't I hear the words of sorrow? Why aren't you crying? "He got it, he didn't"! What words! The man died, and you are talking about shit! You aren't humans, just dead sticks. Comrade Stalin just passed away, what a great sorrow! I'm sick of you. (stands up). Let's toast, at least, you, lousy stinkers. (to Emperor) You're responsible for security. Let nobody out. No contacts from outside. Pay with your head for any break-ins. You follow me, bastard?
Emperor. Yes, sir. Don't worry, Comrade Stalin. Everybody, sit down! No move! No talk! (slaps Lilit's face). Do you understand, sit down!
Lilit (sits down). He beats me, he loves me!
Emperor. Shut't up!
Koba. Where's the exit? (enters into Joseph's cell).
Adam. Joseph, I like it. I wonn'a drink to you!
Emperor. You're smart, fuck'n smart, Joseph. To you!
Lilit. You're much better than your damned Koba as a man. And tell the old man he is good, good male. To you! (they clink their glasses and drink).
Koba (enters). Where's the exit? Where's the exit, I wann'a know where's the exit door? (rushes into every unit). Where's the door?
Adam (points to The Pump). There's the exit. Joseph, please help Comrade Stalin to find the exit.
Joseph goes to The Pump, opens the hatch.
Koba. You are playing tricks on me?! You take me as a fool, bastards! (Joseph stabs the dagger in Stalin's back). No! No! No! (dies).
Joseph grabs his head with hands, falls down on the floor, he's fainted. Emperor pushes Koba's body into The Pump with the words "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
Adam (to Emperor). Give me a hand. (they raise Joseph up and put him into the chair. Lilit makes him head massage).
Lilit. Oh, my God, there's blood again.
Emperor. "And they took Joseph's dress, kill the goat and spoil his dress with goat's blood".
Lilit (continues massage). He's O.K. now. Do you hear me? (Joseph nods his head). How are you feeling? Are you O.K.?
Joseph. It's very painful. Much worse than the previous time. Terrible headache.
Lilit. Should be over soon. Just be patient. It should be over.
Emperor. Don't let him free. Lock him inside the cell. Let him talk with the old man. I want to make him report. (looks into Joseph's eyes). Comrade Stalin, I don't know what to do with those guys? (puts his ear to Joseph's head). He said to toast to his health. And what should be done with the speaking machine? He said it's my present for memory of him. Thanks a lot! (to Adam and Lilit). You see, bastards, how great man rewards for faithful service to him!
Adam. To you, Joseph.
Emperor. To our small poor dragon! You understand now what the hell is!
Lilit (laughs). Don't say jokes, I'm laughing like crazy!
Joseph. And that should be all the time?
Adam. Oh, no. We'll make a deal. Don't quarrel too much, otherwise it won't be good. I want to take a rest for a while, I'm pretty tired.
Lilit. May I go with you?
Adam. No. Emperor, stay here and give him some help if the needs.
Emperor. Don't worry. I will.
Lilit. Good bye, my dear Joseph! I'll never forget you.
Joseph. Lilit, don't leave me alone! I want to tell you something real important. Terrible headache.
Adam. You'll see her later. (leaves to his unit).
Lilit. See you later, honey. (leaves to her unit).
Emperor takes a sit in the corner. He is barely seen.
Joseph. Emperor, are you here?
Emperor. Oh, yes.
Joseph. I feel bad.
Emperor. Just be patient.
The door of Joseph's unit opens and Soso, teenager of about 13-14 years old enters the hall. Dialogue between Joseph and Soso is in Georgian.
Soso. Hello, sir.
Joseph. Hello, good boy. What are you doing here? How did you get over here?
Soso. I came into the barn and there was a door inside, what is this place, sir?
Joseph. Come close to me. What's your name?
Soso. Soso. Soso Djugashwili.
Joseph. Who are your parents?
Soso. Kaekae and Bezo.
Joseph. What's wrong with your arm?
Soso (hides his left arm). Nothing. Just nothing. How could I get out from this place?
Joseph. Do you recognize me, Soso?
Soso. No, sir. I don't know you. Are you O.K., sir? How could I get out?
Joseph (cries). Emperor! How come is he over here?!
Emperor. Just try to guess.
Joseph. I don't want it, I will not do it!
Emperor. So, I will do it.
Joseph. No! No!!
Soso. Sir, I'm very afraid. May I get out of here?
Emperor. I think you feel shy of me. I'm leaving. (leaves to his cell).
Joseph. Soso.
Soso. Yes, sir.
Joseph. Come with me. (goes with Soso to the door of his unit. The sunshine streams out of the cell. The sounds of peasant's yard and woman's voice: "Soso! Where you are? Soso!"). Here's the exit. Go there and don't turn around.
Soso. May I visit you later again?
Joseph. Sure, good boy. But don't tell anybody about me. That's a secret. Do you like secrets?
Soso. Oh, yes. I'll visit you again. Good bye, sir! (leaves through the door).
Joseph. Good bye! Remember, it's secret! Never forget me!
Joseph goes to the table, drinks some wine, sings a little from the song "Suliko", then kills himself with dagger. Adam, Lilit and Emperor come out of their cells. They are dressed in daily usual dress.
Emperor. He's gone. Without the last good-bye.
Lilit. He felt we never see each other again. He wished to tell something serious. Damn it!
Adam (to Emperor). Help me to set him down. (Adam and Emperor put Joseph into the chair).
Emperor. Looks like alive.
Lilit. Open his eyes. (Emperor does). That's better.
Emperor. I feel sorry for him. He has just begun his life. And that's the end.
Adam. I would like to be in his place. I'd like it pretty much.
Lilit (to Adam). Want to leave me alone? Want back to this bow-legged Eve?! It's up to you. I'm not your warder.
Adam. Stop it, please, Lilit.
Lilit. I don't want to stop it. He loved me, loved me with pure love, and now he's dead! And I'm left with two impotents with cold fishy blood!
Emperor. Was his blood real hot? Was he a hot-bleeder?
Lilit. He was alive and hot, hot like a stove! And you are wet and cold. Cold like a frog!
Emperor.Kwak-kwak-kwak!
Adam. Oh, Gosh. You never change. You can't mourn the son of the man with real honors! Could you say a good word about him? Emperor!
Emperor. Oh, Joseph! Joseph, Joseph! How are you doing without our help? Good bye Joseph the Beautiful. I will revenge you on your enemies!
Lilit. Dear Joseph! I know you're far away, but I'll never forget you! Forgive me, if it's possible. Could I kiss him?
Adam. You could.
Emperor. Be careful. Don't bring him back to life. Your kisses could make the dead risen! (Lilit kisses Joseph).
Adam. Joseph, my son. You'd come to us furious and left pacified. Good bye, Joseph. (kisses Joseph). I'm tired, I want to leave. Good night.
Lilit. Hey, you can't leave alone right now. I went through this tragedy! I've lost my husband!
Emperor. "And she embalmed his body, and put it into the shrine..."
Lilit. I'll bury you as well. Adam, please. I am afraid of the dead, you know.
Adam. They will take him away.
Lilit. I could turn mad thinking about it. I have my rights. I'll make complaints!
Adam. Emperor!
Emperor. Well, I'm the Emperor. So what?
Adam. It's your turn today.
Lilit. Yes, it's your turn by the way!
Emperor. Could I miss it? I feel sick now.
Lilit. No, you couldn't.
Emperor. But one request.
Lilit. What's the matter?
Emperor. Slowly and sorrowfully.
Lilit. All right.
Emperor. Well, let's go!
Emperor and Lilit leave. Adam leaves too. Joseph sits in the chair. He looks alive and well. And he is still alive for us.
The End.